Dear Mum

I’m lying on the bed with Dee, looking at your photo and the owl money box you gave the girls, we finally found a home for it today.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had many dreams and nightmares. Often they are so vivid, that I have to get up and break my sleep. You know the types of dreams, we talked about them many times. Most of them I cannot remember but there is one that continually repeats itself, I’ve named it the ‘Disappearing Hug Dream’.

It’s so incredibly vivid, it’s confronting but it’s also comforting in an odd way. At this point, I’ll take any hug I can get from you.

The Disappearing Hug Dream

We are at Oakden, it’s breakfast time and it’s sunny outside. You are being demanding (that’s ok though - I Love You 💜), so I make you a cup of tea and some Vegemite on toast. I take the toast to you in the lounge room and then go back to the kitchen to get your cup of tea (sans sultanas).

When I return to the lounge room; you’ve had a bite of your toast but aren’t in the room, I panic, I yell for you and you don’t answer. I run up to your bedroom where I find you, you ask me “What’s wrong?”, I reply “I was worried”, I give you a hug and you ask me “What’s really wrong?”, there’s a delay and I reply “I’m scared” and you quietly say “Don’t be love, I Love You so much, you will always be my wee boy”.

I blink and before I can reply “I Love You 💜”, you are gone and I collapse to the ground.

The dream is so vivid, so real, painful even. I have no idea what it means and I’m sure you and many therapists will have a field day with it. Is it healthy, is it part of the grieving process? I don’t know.

I just wanted to tell you that you are always in my dreams.

I miss you so much.

I Love You 💜

Matt